11/14/08

So, this past week has been pretty rough. Loneliness, discontentment, sorrow are just a few of the things I've been struggling with. I never realized before coming to Mizzou just how much I thrive on interaction with my family and the joy that they bring me. I didn't really feel homesick until about a week or so ago, and when it hit, it hit hard. I'm on my own in a way that I never have been before, and inside me, there's this little girl that is just scared to be on her own.

One of the things that has been really difficult for me is that while I can walk around and be 'by myself', there's really no where I can go to just be 'alone'. There are always people everywhere, and things are always just so busy. I love being busy, simply because it keeps me going and motivated; but being busy also distracts me from things in my heart that I need to deal with, but don't want to. Sometimes, I just have to break down and be alone for a while, just to gather my thoughts and emotions and take them to God. Wednesday night was one of those nights. Around midnight, I just got so fed up with being in my room that I got up, grabbed my Bible and my ipod, and just walked around campus for...gosh...who knows how long. It felt good to just walk around and not make awkward eye-contact with random strangers, and just be able to look up at the full moon. I finally just sat down and opened up my Bible to Psalms. 

I love David's Psalms--they're like his own personal letters to God, just pouring out his heart and his thoughts. I love how he's not afraid to voice how he was feeling when he was writing--there are some where he's just flat out honest with God that he feels like he's been forsaken. God knows our innermost thoughts, and trying to hide them from Him really just doesn't work. All this week, I've been trying to hide my struggles and thoughts from those around me, and all the while God has been tugging on my heart to come and talk to Him about it. I think sometimes we all struggle with this, I know I do: we feel like our struggles may offend God or that they're so selfish that He won't listen, and so we don't take them to Him right away. It sounds so cliche`, but really, honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to the One who knows every inch of our hearts. 

That night, I opened up to Psalms. A few verses in particular stood out:

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD."

Psalm 38: 9, 15, 17-18, 21 "O Lord, all my longing is before you, my sighing is not hidden from you...But for you, O LORD, do I wait; it is you, O LORD my God, who will answer...For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin...Do not forsake me, O LORD! O my God, be not far from me!"

And the entirety of Psalm 57. 

It was after reading these psalms that I realized: I can never be truly alone, as long as I have my Savior. He will never forsake me, He will never leave me. SO often I forget this, and get in this mindset that I am really, truly, on my own and that it is up to me to solve all my problems. How selfish I am! None of my feeble attempts to solve my problems can stand when compared to the deliverance that my Savior brings. What a privilege to be able to call Him "Mine"! 

The next day (yesterday), I was walking back from studying at Memorial. As I was talking to a friend on the phone, I looked up at the sky and was greeted with the most beautiful sunset I've seen since I've been here at Mizzou. After a cold, wet, windy, and cloudy week, this lovely painting in the sky was most welcome. I saw it as my own personal "rainbow message", like Noah's; God's way of telling me that He will never leave me, and just letting me know that He is always there.