High School: Revisited.

Location: Wildwood Starbucks--one of my secondary homes through High School.

Currently Listening To: John Legend--something that was constantly playing through my stereo in High School.

Currently Drinking: A Grande Extra Hot Vanilla Latte. My life blood. Drank it in High School, drink it in college. 

Current Emotion: Nostalgia. Slash nervousness. Slash excitement. 

I drove my siblings to school (Wildwood) this morning...it was really strange, not getting out of the car, hoisting a massive backpack onto my back and trudging up to those double doors for another long day. No walking in to a partly empty building, watching everyone come in half asleep. No first period study hall or half sleeping through the first class. Instead, I just dropped them off and drove away. Weird, man. I'm currently camped out at Starbucks, since there's really nothing to do at home, seeing as the adopted family members are still homeschooling this week, at least for today and tomorrow. It's been nice, just reading my fluff literature my mom picked up for me and people watching. I've been used to the MU Starbucks for the past few months, so it's weird coming in here and experiencing an entirely different demographic--adults, for the most part. :) I have so many great memories at this Starbucks...and the Coldstone that's right across from it...ahhh, this is where I spent most of my high school years, at least the ones where I could drive. I'm actually getting ready to go visit WCS at lunch (since apparently any other time we, and by we I mean alumni, are a distraction. Go figure, we go from being students to distractions...whether this is an upgrade or a downgrade is yet to be determined. I'm a bit nervous--this is the first time I will have set foot in that building since Baccalaureate. I have SO many memories in that building...and after Graduation, I just kind of left them all there. So yes, they're waiting for me...lurking...haunting...just kidding. Most of them are pleasant. Yes, there are some rather painful ones, but who doesn't have painful memories from High School? I think the thing that I'm grappling with is the change factor--yes, there are mostly people there who've been there in past years, but there are also new students. New teachers. New memories being made. It isn't really "my" school anymore--Mizzou has filled that position. It's "my High School". Saying that makes me feel so old. And yet, at Mizzou I feel so young. It's a strange position to be in, that of a college freshman. I can't wait to see all those girls who were like my little sisters during my senior year, and yeah, I suppose I missed some guys too. I miss the feeling of being a "big sister" at school...both to my biological and spiritual families. The school is going to be going through some pretty major changes in the very near future, and so this school year may be the only time I can go visit it and have it still be mostly the same. I am an individual who is VERY resistant to change, of any kind. It takes me a very long time to get used to new things, new situations, new people. I'm at a very "in-between" point of my life right now, and so nothing really is settled. But I'm content...I think. :)

So, I'm going to take those last sips of my latte, finish my book, get in my car, and drive down that route that I could drive with my eyes closed, and go to Wildwood. And it's going to be great. 

11/14/08

So, this past week has been pretty rough. Loneliness, discontentment, sorrow are just a few of the things I've been struggling with. I never realized before coming to Mizzou just how much I thrive on interaction with my family and the joy that they bring me. I didn't really feel homesick until about a week or so ago, and when it hit, it hit hard. I'm on my own in a way that I never have been before, and inside me, there's this little girl that is just scared to be on her own.

One of the things that has been really difficult for me is that while I can walk around and be 'by myself', there's really no where I can go to just be 'alone'. There are always people everywhere, and things are always just so busy. I love being busy, simply because it keeps me going and motivated; but being busy also distracts me from things in my heart that I need to deal with, but don't want to. Sometimes, I just have to break down and be alone for a while, just to gather my thoughts and emotions and take them to God. Wednesday night was one of those nights. Around midnight, I just got so fed up with being in my room that I got up, grabbed my Bible and my ipod, and just walked around campus for...gosh...who knows how long. It felt good to just walk around and not make awkward eye-contact with random strangers, and just be able to look up at the full moon. I finally just sat down and opened up my Bible to Psalms. 

I love David's Psalms--they're like his own personal letters to God, just pouring out his heart and his thoughts. I love how he's not afraid to voice how he was feeling when he was writing--there are some where he's just flat out honest with God that he feels like he's been forsaken. God knows our innermost thoughts, and trying to hide them from Him really just doesn't work. All this week, I've been trying to hide my struggles and thoughts from those around me, and all the while God has been tugging on my heart to come and talk to Him about it. I think sometimes we all struggle with this, I know I do: we feel like our struggles may offend God or that they're so selfish that He won't listen, and so we don't take them to Him right away. It sounds so cliche`, but really, honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes to the One who knows every inch of our hearts. 

That night, I opened up to Psalms. A few verses in particular stood out:

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD."

Psalm 38: 9, 15, 17-18, 21 "O Lord, all my longing is before you, my sighing is not hidden from you...But for you, O LORD, do I wait; it is you, O LORD my God, who will answer...For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin...Do not forsake me, O LORD! O my God, be not far from me!"

And the entirety of Psalm 57. 

It was after reading these psalms that I realized: I can never be truly alone, as long as I have my Savior. He will never forsake me, He will never leave me. SO often I forget this, and get in this mindset that I am really, truly, on my own and that it is up to me to solve all my problems. How selfish I am! None of my feeble attempts to solve my problems can stand when compared to the deliverance that my Savior brings. What a privilege to be able to call Him "Mine"! 

The next day (yesterday), I was walking back from studying at Memorial. As I was talking to a friend on the phone, I looked up at the sky and was greeted with the most beautiful sunset I've seen since I've been here at Mizzou. After a cold, wet, windy, and cloudy week, this lovely painting in the sky was most welcome. I saw it as my own personal "rainbow message", like Noah's; God's way of telling me that He will never leave me, and just letting me know that He is always there. 

A Thought

I am a fan of days where I just hunker down and read and chill by myself. That is, I used to be a fan of those kinds of days until they began to occur a little too often. Hm.

"It's Gonna Be A Good Day..."

Yes, this has indeed been a wonderful day. Why? Let me list the reasons... 

*Note: I have a HUGE thing with lists; Pro-Con lists, To-Do lists, Playlists...you name it, I've got it on a list somewhere. Something about making a list makes me feel...together. Planned out. Lists are my safety net.*

- I woke up at 7:30 this morning. Now, you may ask, "Why does this make your day good?" Well, 7:30 and I haven't seen each other in quite some time...having my first class at 10:00 makes it very easy to throw off initiative and relish those extra hours of sleep...I forgot how beautiful the sky is at 7:30. Everything is so new and fresh, as if it hasn't been polluted by the day yet. I love it. 

- I spoke only in French from 10:00 to 10:45. This is quite a big accomplishment for me, seeing as I usually choke and say something in English, soliciting a dirty look from my french TA. 

- In the span of 45 minutes, I completed my ISLT assignment, ate lunch, and cleaned my room. Yes folks, it's true, I was actually being productive for once. My attention span is a little spastic, and the amount of time it would usually take me to complete these tasks is, well, embarrassing. And, bonus item, I didn't have to skip Biology to get ISLT done! 

- It is dressy casual Wednesday. In order to prevent myself from falling into a never-ending college wardrobe of sweatpants, t-shirts and hoodies, I have proclaimed Wednesday "Dressy Casual Wednesday". Looking nice keeps me sane. Judge me as you will, but it's true. 

- The weather is beautiful. Have I mentioned how absolutely  bizzare and out of character the weather is for November?! I'm loving it! 75 degrees and only a few clouds in the sky--such inspiring weather. 

- My English Advisor, well, loves me. While this may sound a bit vain, I had forgotten how intimidating this woman is. As I walked in to her waiting room, there were about 7 students waiting in front of me, all of them looking scared as heck. She's a very to-the-point woman, and comes off extremely intimidating. After waiting for about 45 minutes, she finally came out and invited me into her (extremely hot--I hate this ungodly switch to heating that Mizzou has made in all of its buildings) office. However; I had a plan. I was determined not to walk into her office as a clueless, "Tell me what to do!" Freshman, and so help me, I had a plan. A darn good one, at that. After explaining this plan to her, she proceeded to tell me how great it was that I had a plan! We're pretty much BFF now. :)

- Brother Jed is back! How I've missed his loud and forceful petitions for us to repent in Speaker's Circle. He's been gone for a while....rumor has it that his absence can be explained by the fact that he was scouting out houses in Canada, in case of the off-chance that Obama won the election...However, this cannot be confirmed. :) 

- Starbucks has their Christmas Cups in...and the Peppermint Mocha! I can't even BEGIN to tell you how happy this makes me! The Red Cups are a sure sign that Christmas is coming...despite the freakishly warm weather. And the Peppermint Mocha and I have so many memories together....I think the first one I ever had was the first coffee I ever got at the Wildwood Starbucks...ah, the memories, they are a'floodin'! It just gives me this wonderful feeling inside. When I took the first sip, I closed my eyes and was right back at home...I can't wait for break! 

And those are just the highlights....

Thanks God, for this awesome day! 

So today I finished the last of my psychology studies for my Psych 1000 class....thank goodness they're done. Most of the studies I've taking have consisted of rating emotions, remembering words and pictures, and other such things. However, the last section of this particular study held a pleasant surprise--a writing section! Yes! Finally, something that didn't include hitting buttons and staring at a computer screen! I had 15 minutes to write on this prompt-"Please describe an emotionally pleasant experience you have had within the past month or year." I immediately got to writing and barely finished within the allotted amount of time...and didn't get to go into nearly as much detail as I wanted to. So, I've decided to re-create it here and add as much stinkin' detail as I want! So, please enjoy the following pleasant experience. Psychologically evaluate it as you wish. 

Ever since I arrived in Columbia three months ago, I had decided that I needed to find a good used book store. What better time to begin to build up my library than in college? Last Wednesday was a particularly beautiful autumn day: the weather was just at the point where it could be cold, but at the same time could be the tiniest bit warm. The trees had burst into beautiful yellows and fiery reds, and the sky was an electrifying azure blue color. It was the perfect day to find my used book store. After classes, I ventured down 9th street into the heart of downtown Columbia. Not long after I had begun my search, I ran across a small, hole-in-the-wall looking store called "Get Lost". I pulled the door open, and the smell of musty, old books blew out at me: I knew this was a good start. The entrance to the store sloped down, and I descended into the shelves. The store wasn't that big, but there seemed to be thousands of books crammed into the small space. It was almost absolutely silent, with the exception of jazz music playing softly in the background. It was almost a reverent silence, honoring the great literary works residing on the shelves. It was exactly how I thought a used book store should look: books crammed artfully and haphazardly onto every inch of shelving, random potted plants scattered here and there, and various stacks and piles of books lurking around every corner. I felt right at home. 

Used book stores arouse a very curious, imaginative feeling within me--perhaps it's the possibility of finding that life-changing book, or the poetry collection you've been looking for for who knows how long, or just the excitement of getting a new book. There were two particular things I was searching for that day: the first was something to add to my Jane Austen collection. I'd considered trying to find a collection of all her major works, but what's the fun in owning one big book? Having a shelf full of lots of small books is much more pleasing to the eye, in my opinion. Today I was looking for "Emma". I started at the end of the fiction shelf, which took up the entirety of one of the four walls of the store. Almost immediately, I found several copies, and selected the oldest-looking one I could find. "There. One down, one to go." 

The second book was going to be a bit harder to procure: I wanted a first or second edition of "Through The Looking Glass" by Lewis Carroll. Why, you may ask, would I want this particular book? For those of you who have read it, it is rather warped; nothing at all like the Disney movie. However, Alice in Wonderland was one of my favorite stories when I was young, and still is to this day. To me, it is one of the most perfect expressions of imagination. Plus, who hasn't daydreamed of falling into a magical world where cards paint roses red? :) Finding the edition I wanted was going to be difficult, but I was up to the challenge. I must have spent an hour searching that small store. I'm not really one to ask for assistance; I like doing things on my own. 

However, my searching yielded no results. Finally, I gave up and decided to be content with my Austen. I proceeded up to the counter, where a young man sat, completely engrossed in his copy of "Anna Karenina". After a few seconds of me standing there, he looked up, a bit startled, and smiled. As he proceeded to hand-write up my receipt, something under the glass counter caught my eye: there it was. A first edition copy of "Though The Looking Glass". How ironic, that I should have spotted it through a looking glass...The man behind the counter caught me gaping, and smiling, he pulled the book out from under the counter and handed it to me. 

It was the most beautiful little book I'd ever seen. The hardback cover was a bright turquoise color, slightly faded by age, with deep red inlay. Little playing card symbols were inscribed in the red, and the binding had three gold strips on the side. I opened the book, held it up to my nose, and breathed in the musty scent of old book--it was glorious. I knew this was the one. 

It was beautiful.

It was perfect.

It was $75. 

My heart sank as I read the price tag, and I reluctantly handed the book back to the sales clerk. He handed me my purchase and wished me a good rest of my day. 

As I walked out of the store and breathed in the crisp autumn air, a tiny whisper of hope stirred within me, assuring me that one day, that beautiful book would be mine. 

I now have a small turquoise paint can sitting on my desk. Written in red on the side of the can are the words, "Book Fund".